The Wapatusset Police’s Crime Scene Investigation Unit has been actively conducting intensive surveillance operations (ISO) and semi-covert and moderately clandestine investigative activities (SCMCIA), in and around local hair removal and management facilities.
Without the appropriate chemistry local salons will continue to remain empty.
The uptick in police activity is the result of a major burglary at the Salon Follicules Indomptées, (formerly ‘Hair, Hair The Gang’s All Hair’). Late Tuesday night, an individual (and perhaps an accomplice), entered the salon’s rear storage room by tunneling through the building’s foundation from the cordials aisle of the adjacent liquor store, The Village Whiner.
The cash register was left untouched, but a large three-ring binder and several bottles of chemicals have been reported missing.
The Tiny Mind Gazette, has learned that the binder contained the recipe for Formula 02025 and the dozen or so plastic bottles contained the only known premixed bottles of the super-secret solution – known locally as Blonde Ambition or The Blonde Side.
“Imagine if the Colonel’s secret recipe was missing or better yet, if some Commie Russians cracked the Big Mac code for the special sauce!,”stated cosmetologist-in-training and salon assistant manager, Chris Follicle. “I am sure that not even Hairdo-Guru, Paul Mitchell, had to deal with entanglement like this – even on his worst bad hair days."
For a town with a female blonde population that greatly exceeds any Scandinavian country’s per capita statistics– the heist of Wapatusset’s favorite hair dye is not only a severe blow to the local hair care industry but experts fear a severe disruption in the village’s collective positive self-esteem.
Lahmp in 'lighter mood' file photo
“Even in my dreams, I see myself as a blonde. I am not sure if I am capable of going through life as a brunette – or worse yet, a redhead! – OH (long pause) MY (long pause) GOD!,” stated a severely verklempt, Tiffany Lahmp, Reigning Queen, Fall Festival of Leaves and 2008 Miss Wapatusset Water Department, runner-up.
O'Liam says police department remains 'clueless'. file photo
Our own investigative news team was able to reach lead CSI detective, Liam O’Liam, who had this to say – “We need to get to the roots of the problem before someone else dyes.”
Pines, candlelight vigil expert & co-owner of Wapatusset Parrafin Supply Company file photo
An ecumenical candlelight vigil will be held at 7:30pm on Thursday evening at the Ultimate Universalist Congregational Church and Cellular Tower. The service will be lead by Reverend Torrie Pines, a recovering Toe Head, who has recently allowed himself to go gray.
Please stay tuned for late-breaking updates as we continue to comb for more details.
