Over the past week and a half, heavy rains and high winds caused minor flooding, fallen tree branches and several calls to police to report strange objects found after storm. There were several reports of delusional behavior as well, which public health officers attribute to residents being housebound during prolonged wet winter weather.
Nuclear Turnip In Driveway
Fri, Feb 26 – Man called to report item that looked like “large, radioactive turnip” in his driveway. Said it was the size of a large lobster buoy but that his son said it resembled an oversized “Corn Pop” (as in the cereal). Police officer arrived to discover a rolled piece of foam insulation in a plastic bag.
Decomposing Whale Brings Joy To Winter Weary Residents
Sat, Feb 27 – Station received calls from 87 different residents reporting sighting of whale carcass on Stony Beach. After a very dull week in town, hundreds of people swarmed around the carcass to take pictures and take part in the excitement. As one witness put it, “This is the most exciting thing to happen here in about 12 years.” Officers kept onlookers at a distance while scientists took tissue samples of the animal. A canteen truck pulled up to serve gatherers instant coffee and stale donuts. Local naturalist Scrim Shaw was no where to be seen, but cereal entrepreneur Snerd Blankstrom, brother of the late Storm Blankstrom, set up an impromptu interpretive display and gave a lively talk on whaling in the 18th century. Later the brass section of the Musty Slippers played a jazzed up version of their classic 70s hit, “Whale Pants,” and Brownie Troop #37 sang the “Believe” theme song from the Shamu Show, along with Gloria Estefan on the boom-box. Several women were setting up competing booths of seaglass-clamshell jewelry and Nantucket baskets, when a raucous group of protestors stormed the beach, chanting something about Sea World, Naomi Campbell and capitalism. The entire gathering was broken up by police officers, while unidentified men in hazmat suits removed the carcass and drove it away in an armored vehicle.
Snerd Blankstrom (file photo)
Possible Platypus Sighting
Sun, Feb 28 – Caller reported “greyote with webbed feet” crossing flooded causeway. Details noted for Animal Control officer.
Kooky for Cookies
Tues, Mar 2 – Woman called station to report she’d eaten three-quarters of a 15.5 oz. bag of Chips Ahoy cookies and could not stop. Officer counseled woman and recommended buying Pepperidge Farm cookies instead, as they come in an 8 oz. bag. Records indicate same woman made three distress calls this winter and has been repeatedly referred for SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) counseling.
SpaghettiOs® (with meatballs)
Jimmy Choo Washes Up On Beach
Thurs, Mar 4 – Residents delivered the following items to the “Lost and Found” room of the police station this week, many of which were washed up on lawns from flooding. A “suspicious” red jacket, a lost car battery, a pair of Incredible Hulk Underoos, 17 Rydel wine glasses, a pack of Spiro Agnew rolling papers, 4 pairs of Oakley sunglasses, a white Air Supply sweatshirt, 9 mismatched Marc Jacobs ballet flats, a six-pack of Narragansett beer, 19 sets of Range Rover car keys, an AMC Pacer key chain, a can of SpaghettiOs® (with meatballs), a Jimmy Choo alligator sling-back sandal, a Log ‘n’ Line coffee mug, and 342 youth lacrosse trophies. Leave a message in the 'comments section' below to claim your items.
Spiro Agnew (file photo)
Due to the high volume of non-emergency calls to the police, TMG will soon be running an advice column to cover a range of personal concerns. Stay tuned for details.
reported by Special Agent Sally Sisson
