Mens Club News: Zambonis, Gunfire, Chili & Taxidermy

The Waputasset (a community of V-Mobile® Communications, Inc.) Mens Club, met Thursday night at their lodge, located in a semi-secret structure on Cliff Street.

Following the Pledge of Allegiance, and the singing the of ‘The Ballad of the Green Beret,’ – Sergeant at Arms, Melvin Cheevers, kicked off the meeting with a lecture and demonstration concerning the conversion of a standard push-type lawnmower into a personal Zamboni (iZamboni, as Mr. Cheevers refers to them) for use on backyard ice skating rinks – which have been springing up, all over town.

After a 90-minute, extremely detailed discussion (and PowerPoint presentation) – concerning lawnmower engine valve compression & displacement, ice-resurfacing principals, and a complete overview of the Zamboni product line (from the early 1940s onward) – the meeting adjourned to the parking lot for a live demonstration of Mr. Cheevers’ iZamboni, built from his former, 21”, Grass Enforcer® Walk Behind (with the 2.3.5 hp Briggs & Stratton engine option).

For some unknown reason, upon ignition, the iZamboni backfired several times with sharp, crisp, reverberations – that sent neighbors running to their nearest telephones and specifically, to the ‘9’ and ‘1’ buttons, incorporated within their V-Mobile® Telephone touch-pads.

Within minutes, the town’s entire squadron of (4) patrol cars arrived at the scene. Following a quick investigation and several eyewitness interviews, an earlier fear of youth gang activity was quickly dismissed. The half-dozen police officers, reluctantly re-holstered their weapons and quickly examined Mr. Cheevers – whose entire body, with the exception of his eyes, (which had been fortunately covered by his round welding goggles/safety glasses) – was covered with a black soot-like substances which had exited the iZamboni’s exhaust system – almost simultaneously with the rifle-like, backfire blasts.

A more comprehensive crime scene investigation, was then unfortunately interrupted by another incoming call – this from the Community Garden Club, meeting in the auxiliary conference room located in the creepy basement of the (occasionally haunted), Town Hall.

It seems as though, 85 year-old, Mrs. Mildred Stermstat, (a Golden-Jubilee member of the Garden Club) had been entrapped by a wandering vine that had entwined itself around both of her ankles – as she dozed during a presentation of “Geraniums: Beauty is Only Stem Deep.” While still engaged in a full-fledged nap, Mrs. Stermstat was released from the rapidly tangling vine by officer, Wendell Wilkes, a member of the Waputasset (a community of V-Mobile Communications, Inc.) auxiliary police force and former professional landscaper who happened to have a set of professional gasoline-powered hedge-trimmers in his nearby panel van.

Returning to the Mens Club’s Lodge:
Mr. Cheever’s ill-fated demonstration was followed by the group’s indulgence of large bowls of chili (with extra ‘con carne’ and beans), served with side dishes of hot peppers and beef jerky. Post-dinner activities included a speech by pro bowler, Earl Anthony-look-alike, Bob Lindowski who presented a multimedia (PowerPoint) presentation entitled, “Xtreme Big Ball Bowling: the Sport of Kingpins.”

Prior to the meeting’s adjournment, the February agenda was announced – including a 6-class, hands-on, taxidermy clinic. Although most of the necessary materials will be provided in the $35 course fee – members are encouraged to gather their own fresh roadkill – as the ‘main ingredient’ to a successful taxidermy project.

The Red Ly’n Inn has kindly offered to house the cadavers in their walk-in freezer, during the 4-week course.This was discussed and confirmed at the Red Ly’n, during a round (or two) of oat sodas, enjoyed by a majority of the club members – following Thursday’s meeting.

report by Bob Frapples, secretary