“Love is strange—wait ‘til you see my feet.”

I can’t take credit for this headline; it’s from my favorite source of personal ads—the London Review of Books. My husband subscribes for the book reviews, but I go straight to the personals in the back. Truth be told, he does too. Don’t read too much into this; it’s just that they’re a good laugh.

He actually bought me a book of them for Christmas. They Call Me Naughty Lola is a collection of personal ads from the London Review of Books. A bit on the inside flap refers to them as “surreal haikus of the heart.” Some are absurd or self-deprecating, others a bit pervy.

The titles are an art form on their own:

Last time I had this much fun, I was on forty tablets a day.

My favourite Ben & Jerry’s is Acid-Boiled Bones of Divorce Lawyer.

Here are some sample ads:

They call me naughty Lola. Run-of-the-mill bearded physicist (M, 46).

Romance is dead. So is my mother, Man, 42, inherited wealth. Box no. 7642.

In a certain light I look like Robert Mitchum. In a certain light you look like Kim Novak. More usually I look like Shrek. More usually you still look like Kim Novak. Yes, you’re very unlucky. Now pass me the Doritos and get over it. Box no. 3917.

Hi, I’m an intelligent, attractive, cultured, recently divorced woman in her early forties looking for a man whose maxim in life isn’t ‘pull my finger’ or ‘smelt it, dealt it.’ Box no. 5022.

Mature gentleman (62), aged well, noble grey looks, fit and active, sound mind and unfazed by the fickle demands of modern society seeks…damn it, I have to pee again. Box no. 4131.

I’m a Pisces—which makes you and me a bad match, but how about your good-looking friend? Non-commital, easily-distracted, fly-by-night F (35). Sorry, I think I just heard my phone ring. Box no. 2541.

I am the hunter and you are my quarry. 117-year-old male Viagra bootlegger finally in the mood for a bit of young totty. Which realistically could be any one of you with working hip joints and a minimum 20% lung capacity. Box no. 3112.

TMG Personal Ads Contest!
Valentine’s Day is less than two weeks away. Depending on your age, status and state of mind, this either fills you with the warm-and-fuzzies or utter dread. Kind of like New Year’s Eve. But following the TMG ethos, let’s make it fun. And ridiculous.

Announcing the first annual TMG Personal Ads Contest. Submit a personal ad—or two or three—from yourself, your alter ego, or a fictitious friend. We’ll have winners for categories like Most Pathetic, Most Appealing, Best Catch, Biggest Trainwreck… I don’t know, we’ll make it up as we go along.

Just write something and submit it in the Comments section below.
It’s easy!

For those of you who stumble over your words, here’s a nifty online tool to help. My Profile Writer can generate a clever headline and guide you through the writing process. Think Mad Libs for personal ads. Get to it! (Just keep it PG-13. This is TinyTown, after all.)

My Profile Writer
http://www.myprofilewriter.com/form_me.php

p.s. We'll be sharing personal ads throughout February on our Facebook fan page. If you haven't signed up yet, now's the time!

by Sally Sisson (Sally can be reached at: sallysisson.com)

Comments

[Glenn Denver]

Desperately seeking Stevie Nicks

Masseuse-cat therapist-real estate broker, founding member of Eagles tribute band, 40-ish SWM. Looking for a fine lady with a gypsy spirit to share vegan meals, tantric tai chi, and whatever else you’re into. No commitment necessary. Also looking for a room to rent. Send photo and poem to Box 3116.

[Alida Hanson]

Angry male despot seeks resentful female subject . Let's build an empire. Box 732

[Sam Brannan of San Francisco]

"I can’t imagine anyway not wanting to date me. I'm anchored by a great intellect, a good heart and killer abs. You'll find libido, cash and spontaneity, and well, if you're into fishing, I'm like kokanee salmon. If you lined up all my good points, you could cross Rhode Island with them 6 times! I'm like the largest collection of good attributes west of the Missouri River. Every play horseshoes? Take a chance on this dead ringer for George Clooney. Call for hours of operation."

[Jane P.]

Fun loving, easy going DWF looking for responsible, well groomed, self-reliant, obedient man who doesn’t leave his dirty socks on the floor. Use a coaster under your coffee cup, and I’ll let down my hair. Hobbies include antiquing, dog grooming and coin collecting. Call for a good time. And send a resume. Box 350

[Don't call me a cat lady]

Everyone I know asks why I am still single. Well, I'll tell you why. I need a man that isn't afraid to love my cat. I won't tell you that I like walks on the beach, traveling, and having fun. You've probably read many such profiles that really tell you nothing about the person. Instead, I will try to give you a glimpse into what makes me tick. Mr. Bootles (my cat) makes me tick and if you're the man for me, he'll make you tick, too. My quest to find a great match has been harder than I ever imagined! Most men see Mr. Bootles and head for the door. But he really can't help his skin condition or the fact that he has crooked teeth. I cook a mean broiled mackerel and my tuna casserole is the best. Join me for dinner and fun. Box 031