Waputasset Horoscopes Feb. 10, 2010
by Your Town Medium, Largie Smalls
Aquarius The Water Carrier (January 20 to February 18)—Though your creative fires burn, you will be crushingly boring at any party you attend this month. Best to stay home and nurture that budding agoraphobia till the new moon.
Pisces The Fish (February 19 to March 20)—Pisces, Pisces, Pisces, when will you get out of that rut? Time to start a new venture, this time avoiding involving multi-level marketing or typing at home. Try breaking out and wearing something “not gray” this week.Lexus The Luxuriant (President’s Day Weekend)—this is not usually the time to show off. But buy as many new clothes as you like, because there's a “big event” just a few weeks away. Order vegetable tempura twice. Also, Pat is probably cheating on you again; call Jerry The Hammer.
Aries The Ram (March 21 to April 19)—It looks like that big promotion is just not going to happen for you, following the incident with the marmalade, the copier, the unattended UPS truck, and that saucy minx from accounting. But persevere because a cure for your mystery itch is just around the corner.
Taurus The Bull (April 20 to May 20)—You’re beginning to smell funny and the neighbors are definitely plotting against you. This is normal for February, but spring will bring new surprises, possibly including handcuffs.
Gemini The Twins (May 21 to June 21)—You never return my calls. You are both morons. Eat doo-doo and die.
Cancer The Crab (June 21 to July 22)—I always mix you up with Libra, not sure why. LOL! Soooooooooo, um, things will all work out if you just believe and keep your nose to the grindstone, one stitch at a time. Count backwards by 7s, starting at um…the letter R.
Leo The Lion (July 23 to August 22)—This is the month to send out that screenplay about the two weavers who find the magic thimble and learn the secrets of root vegetables. Repeat your order in the doughnut shop very loudly.
Iglesias The Crooner (1987)—The alignment of stars indicates you need to stop referring to yourself in third person. Cultivate new friends soon, because Aquarius is looking to kick some ass if he gets outside, possibly yours.
Virgo The Virgin (August 23 to September 22) —Venus is in vitro, closely followed by Jupiter, who lost his truck “somewhere in Hingham.” It bodes not well for virgos not using condoms.
Libra The Scales (September 23 to October 22)—At last, at last, you can open that can of tuna you were saving for that “special day.” Your pets will treat you like royalty all this week. Smile often, but don’t look behind you.
Scorpio The Scorpion (duh!) (October 23 to November 21)— This is an excellent time to confess your long-held secrets, just not on YouTube. As Mercury ascends, you’ll find that quarter you lost behind the couch last year.
Sagittarius The Archer (November 22 to December 21)— A good week to wipe more than usual.
Capricorn The Mountain Goat (December 22 to January 19)—A time of reflection for you on what you did last weekend in that costume, and I advise you to seek help. This sort of thing is not normal. Really. I mean it.
– Largie Smalls with editorial assistance from Beau Dohnie
