For the past few weeks, TinyTown has been for a quiet. In fact, you could almost say that it was deader than “The King of Pop”. Oh sure, there were a few roadside holiday parties – the abandoned Goldschläger Cinnamon Schnapps bottles and trash bags filled with empty Narragansett cans, offer undeniable proof.
For you see, during the Christmas holidays, a majority of the town’s inhabitants travel north for skiing, partying, and resting fireside at the lodge – with their next door neighbors and best pals – from TinyTown.
For those that stayed behind, winter left a healthy blanket of snow that was replenished on a regular basis throughout the past week and a half. The winter high tides were a bit higher than usual. There were many times during the week, that waterfront streets were totally submerged in sea water.
Even more prevalent, were the knuckleheads, that insisted upon driving through the knee-deep, salt water. A common remark by roadside by-standers (especially those who had once owned a rusted-out, circa-1970’s Maverick, Pinto or Vega) was, “Lord God, I hope that car is leased!”
Well, it’s Monday morning and time to get the virtual presses of the Tiny Mind Gazette up and running. In our weekly editorial meeting, we decided that it might be a good time to announce our predictions for the coming year. These are our top 10:
1. The abandoned and most likely haunted hardware store will be torn down and replaced with a Lululemon Superstore & Pilates Rehabilitation Center.
2. Miniature Invisibines® will be made mandatory for all gasoline burning urban assault vehicles that seat more than six passengers.
3. For these same vehicles, it will no longer be mandatory for the vehicle operator to engage in cell phone conversations while navigating the village’s narrow and winding streets. However, it will still be necessary to drive with a small designer dog on your lap. Reading a newspaper or ingesting snacks is also encouraged.
4. Upon awakening from hibernation, a pack of greyotes will encircle the town’s pet grooming studio, taunting the exiting newly-coiffed Labberdoodles, Cocker-huahua and Arubanese Rescue Collies. The town’s Animal Control Officer will be alerted and forced to leave his command post at the Red Ly’n Inn.
5. All of the town center’s commercial and retail businesses will be packed-up and moved to the Independence Hall, mini-mall that has been built next to the commuter rail station.
6. The town center’s abandoned buildings will be torn down to provide additional parking for the newly expanded Lululemon World Theme Park, the Lululemon Pilates Rehabilitation Center – as well as the soon-to-be-founded, American Center for Chardonnay Studies.
7. The commissioner of the town’s Miniature League Baseball Association will organize a coup d'etat – overthrowing the town government and enacting military rule. Lights will be added to the TinyTown baseball triplex – making 24x7, youth baseball a reality.
8. Donning pitchforks and lighted torches, inhabitants of homes surrounding the baseball triplex will take to the streets – bringing down the horrible MLBA regime. The disgraced commissioner will be forced into exile. Donkeyball will be named the official town sport.
9. All of the town’s naturally growing grass and foliage will be replaced by artificial turf.
10. The Tiny Mind Gazette will receive a Lilly Pulitzer Prize for both excellence in journalism and fashion commentary.
Happy 2010! Hang in there!
