Santa Cookie Bandits
Dec 26 – Several calls reporting greyote break-ins on Christmas Eve. Three chimney entrances, two window break-ins. In addition to homemade Santa cookies, Tiny Town greyotes sought out organic chocolate with a minimum of 70% cocoa content. Palmer hollow chocolate snowmen were left untouched.
Snow Blower Rage
Dec 31, 11:15 am - Argument over snow blowers escalated into skirmish. Man A accused Man B of “showing off” his new 305cc dual-stage gas-powered machine by blowing snow into neighbor’s yard. Man B made “disparaging comment” about Man A’s 123cc single-stage machine.
Third man, manually removing snow with a new green Whovel device, stopped to complain about noise and emissions. Man B called man with Whovel a “socialist.” Whovel man called Man B a “white-collar criminal.”
Barefoot man with black cat emerged from an outbuilding and tried to break up fight. Bystander reported the man said just a few words, “In the words of Rodney King…” before being pummeled with snowballs by all involved.
Special Report:
Greyhounds, Greyotes & Mass Hysteria
Dec 28 – Animal control officer reports several complaints of newly adopted Greyhounds being taunted by local “designer dogs.” Labradoodles, Yorkipoos, Weimardoodles and Newfypoos have reportedly snubbed the newcomers at Wheelwright Park. A joint summit between the Diversity Committee, Animal Control and Welcome Wagon is planned for February.
Greyote Carjacking
Jan 1 7:44 pm – Woman called to report she’d been “carjacked by a greyote.” Husband grabbed phone and called his wife “hysterical.” Dispatcher advised couple to remain calm. Officer called to scene; patrol sent to search for silver Mercedes with “very hairy” driver.
9:12 pm – Silver Mercedes located in strip mall parking lot in nearby town. Car littered with fast-food wrappers. Suspect fitting description located inside Taco Bell, I.D.ed as 19-year-old son, home from college. Said he “couldn’t take another of my mother’s Lean Cuisines” and had to get out of the house.
10:05 pm – Suspect returned to parents, charges dropped. Mother said she didn’t recognize her son anymore and wanted him to shave and get a haircut.
Greyote Spottings
Jan 2 4:10 pm – Man called to report greyote seated on barstool at Red Ly’in Inn. “He was drinking a pina colada and watching the Patriots game,” reported the man, “…and his hair was perfect.”
Jan 5 9:35 am – Mothers gathered outside nursery school refuse to enter due to suspicious paw prints in snow. Head teacher signs legal agreement stating children will not be allowed outside at recess until further notice.
Call for Greyote Summit
Due to increasing “greyote hysteria,” police have asked for a special taskforce to address the issues and separate fact from fiction. They have asked Scrim Shaw (left), director of the Greyote Outreach and Rescue League (GROL) to moderate and provide education immediately in order to restore order. Stay tuned for details.
reported by AgentSS sallysisson.com
