Heat-Seeking Mom Re-Routed
Monday, 3:30 PM – Middle-aged woman spotted hitch hiking on Rte. 3A with a cardboard sign saying “Key West or Bust.” Escorted to station, given referral for Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) counseling. Husband and children later picked her up but refused to identify themselves.
Too Wired Over New Wiring
Tuesday, 9:30 AM – Resident irate at “evil” cable and Internet provider “went berserk,” according to witnesses, and stayed up all night designing a 12-foot-high plywood cutout of a cartoon devil, wearing cape with cable company logo. The 48-year-old man (wearing Halloween devil costume) secured figure atop chimney on rooftop of home office, along with a makeshift billboard displaying blasphemous message about said company (due to pending lawsuit we can not print message). After a CROCK-25 News truck appeared on scene, police forced man to climb on roof to remove. (Note: Same man was previously investigated for: alien swing-set abduction, crop circle and UFO sightings, reports of suspicious bird droppings, marsh fire caused by makeshift deep-fat turkey fryer apparatus, and two greyote-related complaints.)
Mini-Sasquatch Watch
Wednesday, 10:30 PM – Animal complaint. Elderly resident claims animal with “greyote head and groundhog body” has been eating all his birdseed. Requested extra patrols.
Health Code (and Bad Taste) Citation Issued
Wednesday, 3:30 AM – New Age “cat massage” parlor in village suspended services after inspection from health and zoning boards. Glenn Denver, former proprietor of Sweat Lodge Massage LLC, has outdated license from Arizona and has been performing ear candling and foot detox without proper equipment. He will still be allowed to give palm readings and cat massage and to sell his merchandise, including handmade hemp undergarments and macramé “man bags.”
Near Brush with SAD Disaster
Thursday, 7:30 PM – Woman threw hairbrush at television, saying it was “taunting her” with ads for Turks and Caicos vacation packages. Child called 9-1-1 to report television was smoking.
NOTE: In response to several similar incidents in recent weeks, the Waputasset rec center will be offering a seminar on “stay-cation” ideas along with “recession-proof” coupons for spray tans and tips on how to have “fun at home” with kids during February vacation. Stay tuned.
reported by Agent SS
