Grim & Bare It
Sunday, 7:23 AM- Woman called to report “nude man with snow blower” in neighbor’s driveway. Dispatcher reminded caller that town bylaw refers only to nude leaf-blowing. Officer called to scene to investigate. Man with snow blower was wearing “ecru colored” long underwear made with form-fitting Comfortrel fabric. “It’s so comfortable, I feel like I’m nude!” he exclaimed. Police noted that this was same man who was investigated for nude vacuuming last fall and also clubbing a possum to death with a garden spade in 1999.
Helicopter Mom vs. SUV
Tuesday, 7:23 AM- Helicopter mom walking 12-year-old boy to school was nearly hit by SUV driven by distracted uber-mom on cell phone. Uber-mom slammed on brakes just in time, causing her six children to spill organic chocolate milk and Starbucks smoothies on laps. Luckily, woman had entire contents of entire Boden catalog in trunk, along with mix-and-match separates from Hanna Andersson, J. Crewcuts and Oilily. All seven children were late to their respective schools after being re-dressed and checked out for whiplash. Asked why no one had taken the bus to school, uber-mom said the bus was “gross.”
Businessman Strangles Wild Turkey
Thursday, 7:23 AM- After waiting 3.5 minutes for a swarm of wild turkeys to cross the street, a 42-year-old man got out of his BMW and lunged at the flock while waving a golf club over this head. Most scattered, but one “with a stupid look in his eye” stayed in the street. A witness reported the man dove into the street and strangled the turkey before coming to his senses. The man apologized and said he’d been very agitated ever since the commuter train crossings had disrupted his carefully calibrated morning commute. He was later found downing shots of Wild Turkey at the Speedwell Guild (for members only, Refreshment Center and Groggery).
reported by AgentSS sallysisson.com
