Paging Dr. Barkle, canine therapist: Points For Pointer, Better Than Cats (again and again), Nuts About Acorns

Dear Dr. Barkle:
I am a seven-year-old (in people years) German Shorthaired Pointer. Whenever the self-proclaimed alpha dog/human in our family takes me for a walk, he insists on pulling back on the leash – causing my forward trek to become even more difficult. If only they would understand that by pulling with all of my might, I am offering great assistance in my ability to project us both forward and often upward. What do you suggest? signed, Zorntan (but they call me Olive)

Zorntan:
First of all, you must understand that humans are so incredibly stupid. Sure, they have created complex civilizations, are nearing closure on delivering flying cars to the marketplace, and have discovered a suitable replacement for rawhide (Nylabone®) –however, give them the simplest task and they fail miserably.

What you are witnessing is a real-time/real-life example of the constant struggle between canine and human. Check out the primitive cave renderings of lost civilizations and you will see indications of the tensions between human, leash and dog.

With that said, I might suggest a more passive aggressive approach when walking your Alpha Dog/human. Walk beside him, allowing the leash to hang loosely. This will prove that they, are in fact, not in charge – providing you with feelings of both tranquility and equality. Remember: Dogs rule, humans drool!

ps. As for your name, apply the same rule – respond to “Olive” but live the life of “Zorntan”


Dr. Barkey:
So what’s the deal with cats? They are extremely passive aggressive and often anti-social. Sometimes, I get so frustrated that I cannot help myself, and chase them up a tree. This is okay, right?
Simply, Rover

Dear Rover:
With the absence of a thorough mental health examination, you may have – what we in the business define as an “Odie Complex” – a name derived from Garfield’s pathetic canine sidekick. Cats cause an internal stirring of inferior emotions within you – causing insecurity, often culminating in a sudden external display of aggressiveness.

My advice to you and your “inner-wolf” is to not fall into the “dogs hate cats,” mentality that is constantly painted by today’ media. You are a dog, and as a species, have reached a higher plateau than our catnip entranced, feline brethren. The next time a cat raises the hair on your back, mentally picture them either as a tennis racket or lunch special #4. Works for me!

Dear Dr. Barkle:
I am not like the other dogs in my puppy play group. I am smaller, have a bushy tail and am more nimble crossing telephone wires. I also prefer acorns to kibble. I am tired of being the butt of everyone’s jokes and just want to fit in. What should I do?
Earl

Earl:
Have you discussed this with your parents? I might suggest this as a first step. Something leads me to believe that there is some miscommunication, potentially, at several levels.

Necessary medical/legal disclaimer: 
Dr. Barkle is a real dog but not a medical doctor. He does, however, have a PhD. from an obscure midwestern canine & equine college.

Comments

[Daisy]

My name is Daisy. I'm a lonely but slim and attractive Wheaten Terrier in Marshfield. Zorntan sounds hot. Have him call me at 1-900-Sniff-Me.

[Dr. Barkle]

This comment was recently posted on the Tiny Mind Gazette, Facebook Fan Page:

Dr. Barkle,
The night-shift staff at TMG has already handled phone calls from several dogs (and one cat) in response to your column. Much muttering about "passive-aggressive" human behavior. Apparently their paws are too big for keyboards. Can we submit questions on their behalf?

Dr. Barkle's response:
There are 2 Nuisance™ software products, Naturally Barking® and Naturally Purring®, which allow pet voice interaction with personal computers that should work. However, in our independent testing, results have been adequate at best.

Carefully monitored human intervention is acceptable under the close supervision of the respondent.

I hope this answers your question.
Dr. Barkle, Phd.

[Mallomar]

Dear Dr. Barkle,

Why is that when human beings poo, you can't watch, but when dogs poo, not only do people insist on watching, but they often like to pick it up in a plastic bag and save it? What's up with that?

Mallomar Herrlinger-Friedland
4-month-old Bernese Mountain Dog
Portland, Maine

[Herbie]

Dear Dr. Barkle,

I am a 2-year-old black-haired Springer Spaniel. I was recently rescued and have been in my new home for 3 weeks. I try to be good but it’s very, very hard. My humans love me but one of them keeps calling me “The Omen.” What does this mean? She also complains that my breath smells like sulphur. Can you recommend something to keep it springtime fresh?

Herbie from Belmont, Mass.

[Dr. Barkle]

Mallomar:

There are many things that humans do that I don't understand. Why, through intricate waxing techniques and expensive shaving systems, do they remove most of the fur from their bodies – yet at the same time insist on covering themselves with clothing?

And what's with going out in public in elastic waist-banded sweatpants or worse yet – plaid flannel pajama pants!

Embrace your inner-mountain dog and don't get caught up in the whole, "What Would a Human Do?" entrapment thought process.

Dr. Barkle, Phd.