Flagrant Flamingo Violation
Sun, Jan 17, 2:48 pm – South Plain Street
Violation of Holiday Decoration by-law. Caller reported “flock of hot-pink flamingos” in neighbor's front lawn, interspersed with existing Christmas decorations. Design Review Board, noting the pink clashed with the traditional red Christmas balls, issued citation and asked them to be removed. Homeowner complied, explaining he’d been suffering from the recent Patriots’ loss as well as Seasonal-Affective Disorder.
Townie Bar Unseats Townie Wanna-Be
Sun, Jan 17, 8:32 pm – Plain Street
Argument at Ye Olde Towne Pub. Newcomer seated at designated Townie bar stool, drinking “designer beer.” Townie asked him to leave stool. Newcomer defended seating right, saying he’d lived in TinyTown for 12 years. Townie Bartender suggested booth instead. Newcomer "got defensive" and asked to see "written rules" about how to achieve "Townie status." Townie Policeman sided with Townie (his second-cousin) and suggested newcomer try the Gilded Lighthouse Lounge at the harbor instead.
Harried Housewife Held Hostage
Wed, Jan 20, 6:45 pm – Titanic Ave
Woman called from cell phone to report children had “taken her hostage” and locked her in closet. Special child-friendly SWAT unit dispatched. Spent 15 minutes dismantling alarm unit and then searched 7 walk-in closets before finding hostage in guest-room accessories closet. Distraught woman said husband had been on extended business trip, three of her children had strep throat, puppy was “out of control,” and none of them had left house for four days. Said she’d been “living on Annie’s Macaroni & Cheese and Chardonnay” and needed to “get out of this freakin’ tiny town.” Woman advised to "get a grip." All referred to family counseling.
reported by AgentSS sallysisson.com
