FOR INTERNAL DISTRIBUTION ONLY. NOT TO BE PUBLISHED!
For many of you, this is your first Holiday party at the company, and we certainly hope it won’t be your last, so our president wisely asked me to pass on these few notes to make sure no one embarrasses himself or herself during this festive event. (One study showed that up to 93% of employees in some companies lose their jobs over holiday party “incidents.” Some 11% do find them the next Monday, but many wish they hadn’t.)
The Boss says: “We want to keep you safe, keep you happy, and keep you here.”
ALCOHOL: There will be alcohol. Enjoy it responsibly. But do not use it to “hydrate.”
MUSIC APPRECIATION: The Boss will be playing the piano. He’s quite accomplished, and this music is his holiday “gift” to the company. However, a $1 tip is adequate and appreciated; $5 if you make a special request. It is impolite to request him to “stop playing those damn show tunes.” Also, if the Boss asks you to accompany him, do not sit on his lap, but sit next to him on the piano bench.
FOOD: With the passed hors d’ouevres, the procedure is to take one, and a napkin. Do not take the tray from the server, as this is a “shared” item, not delivered specifically to you.
Do not bring baggies to the party for “take out.” This is an eat-in party. (Same goes for nalgene bottles at the bar.)
It is best not to make “sandwiches” from nachos. They tend to split and splash and ruin the beautiful expensive shirt your beloved bought you a month ago and positively wreak havoc on what should be a lovely Friday evening at home after the party and instead turns out to be a hellish nightmare of recriminations of why you spoil everything good and suck the life out of the most joyous time of year by your slovenly habits and total disregard for the commonsensical behaviors of even the MOST PRIMITIVE MEMBERS of the HUMAN RACE—you ID-I-OT!!!!! So we suggest going with the single-dip-and-bite method.
ALCOHOL: Sip responsibly. Do not speak while sipping. Practice speaking silently before speaking aloud. If you cannot pronounce simple words in your head, such as your name, put the glass down and request a cab home.
SALUTATIONS: We call it a Holiday party to be inclusive, but it is fine to say “Merry Christmas,” “Happy Hanukkah,” “Joyous Kwanzaa,” or even “Rapturous Festivus.” But do not say, “Wow, you could definitely play Santa!” Or “I finished all my shopping already! How about you?” Don’t say those things. Really.
MUSIC PERFORMANCE: If you decide to sing Christmas carols, make sure you are singing the same one as everyone else. At the same speed. Within at least two keys of the leader. Do not affect the style of a lounge singer unless you have a sequined gown, or a sequined jacket.
ATTIRE: If you have either a sequined gown or sequined jacket, please do not come to the party.
ALCOHOL: Try not to burst into tears for no apparent reason. The reason Lee never kissed you in 4th grade had nothing to do with that haircut. Trust us.
MISTLETOE: The practice of “honoring” a sprig of mistletoe is a completely OPTIONAL act, not a requirement. Except if you see me standing under one, or simply holding one over his head. In that case, it is important to cheer me up, tell me I am “a valuable and loved member of society,” and “a shirt can always be replaced,” and “maybe a kiss will make you feel better.”
ATTIRE: when you arrive, carefully observe your shirt, pants, skirt, blouse, jacket, and or suit. When you leave, try to remember if they are the same. If not, check out Frankie in shipping.
ALCOHOL: Do not pull a barstool up to the bar. It’s not that
kind of bar. Do not start pouring out your life’s tragedies to the bartenders.
They are just local student temps and have their own angst over exams, and
love, and the meaning-of-life and truly: they don’t really don’t care about you.
Do not yell out “Drinks for everyone! On me!” We have tried this four five years in a row, and apparently it
is still not funny.
CO-WORKERS: If you are standing close to anyone who shouts, “Hey, watch this!” do everything in your power to stop them. (Sales reps on bungie cords, and department managers bowling with punch bowls, are just not holiday entertainment.)
FUN: Remember, this is an office party. So have fun. (All things considered, raises can always be rescinded; what seems hilarious and entertaining in your mind may not look hilarious as you dance “like Beyonce;” accounting jokes are really only funny to accountants; and most important of all: if you wouldn’t say it or do it any other day, why would you say it or do it NOW?)
So now that you are totally clued in, enjoy. We hope to see you again Monday. Really. Maybe in a nice clean shirt. – J. DiCocco
