Tiny Mind Gazette

Gifted Insect Entertains & Educates

The Grundel Hives

Retired Navy Seal, amateur videographer and now full-time beekeeper, Ed Grundell (pictured on left), has discovered a member of his hive with a very special gift. Alex, is a European honey bee that was born into his Wapatusset bee family nearly two weeks ago.

“I knew there was something special about Alex from the day that I saw him first take flight,” stated Mr. Grundell. “I have studied bees for many years and have paid strict attention to their natural flight patterns,” he added.  “Alex has always been different in that he is more independent and less eager to hang with the other bees. His erratic flying habits drew my attention almost immediately. Initially, I feared that he suffered from a wing disorder which was causing his quick turns and sporadic darting.”

It was not until Ed observed slow-motion videotape that he realized Alex’s natural ability to spell not only English words, but complete sentences. “I have a habit of videotaping all members of my hive for identification purposes and as a means to discourage bee rustlers. Think in terms of cattle ranchers and their need to brand their cattle. I have tried a similar method with bees, but the miniature branding iron is way to difficult to operate and nine times out of ten, has a detrimental effect on the tiny insect’s behavior and overall well-being,” Ed confessed. “Besides the branding process was causing me to go cross-eyed.”


Alex Grundell (file photo)

Alex’s spelling ability has rapidly increased during the past few days. Simple words such as ‘Dad’ and ‘Pollen’ have now turned into complete phrases such as ‘Do you remember when we met? That's the day I knew you were my pet. I want to tell you how much I love you’ – coincidently a stanza from the Honeydrippers 1984 hit, Sea of Love.

With a bee’s lifespan lasting between 28 and 35 days, Ed’s new mission is to expose as many people to Alex and his amazing gift. Please stop by the Wapatusset Middle School on Sunday to see this amazing spelling bee.

reported by Sandy Beaches, former tightrope walker and amateur entomologist

5 Tiny Mind Gazette Stories That you Can’t Afford to Miss!

1. Invisibines Wind Turbines: green energy from virtually nowhere

Each 100% transparent Invisibines® Wind Turbine offers unobstructed views, and can produce enough power (within 30 minutes) to power a commercial-grade leaf blower for up to 6 hours.

2. Greyote Attacks Increase: use caution at drive-thru windows

A Coyote on Caffeine? Where Coyotes tend to be calculating and sly, a Greyote is fast (reaching speeds up to 40 mph) and neurotic. A Coyote tends to dine on rabbits, voles, mice and other small animals while a Greyote prefers food prepared for human consumption.

3. Nudity, Clumpy Substance, Strange Animal, Veal Parm: It's the Police BLOG

“For God’s sake,” the man complained. “How far does a guy need to drive to find a decent veal parm under $8.95?”

4. Around the Pond: Porta-Potty Faux Pas, White Lights are Right, Power Play Persists

A reminder to Tiny Town residents to exercise good taste and restraint while decorating for the holidays. Newcomers are advised to use colored lights indoors only, and to keep lawn ornaments to a tasteful few. In no circumstance should colored lights be used in window candles.

5. Mens Club News: Zambonis, Gunfire, Chili & Taxidermy

The Feb. agenda was announced – including a 6-class, hands-on, taxidermy clinic. Most of the necessary materials will be provided in the $35 course fee – members are encouraged to gather their own fresh roadkill – as the ‘main ingredient’ to a successful taxidermy project.

Trio Near Drowning as Backyard Ice Rink Collapses

Three-legged Chihuahua now safe after plywood barriers give way and empty nearly 5000 gallons of melted ice (water)

Trio is a 5 year-old, three-legged Chihuahua who lives with a human family of four on North Street. The lively pooch was born with quadra-track but was forced to eat its own leg during a prolonged outing by the Smith-Brown family. “We only expected to be away for a few hours,” stated 48 year old John Smith-Brown. “When we returned 3 days later, a starving Trio had taken things into her own paws – as a matter of speaking.”

Sunday, as cabin-feverished, Wapatusset residents emerged from their winter quarters to enjoy the 50ºf weather, the Smith-Brown family noticed a misalignment in the right rear corner of their backyard, outdoor ice rink. In an attempt to straighten the sagging plywood wall, young Johnny Smith-Brown (age 7) gave the barrier a solid kick with his size 8 Merrell. Soon Johnny and Trio became part of a whitewater adventure that washed them down North Street, on to Sawyer Road and then on to Route 3B – where they were rescued by members of the Speedwell Guild who were reenacting the first rolling of tobacco that occurred in Wapatusset in the year 1724 (or thereabouts).

Both dog an boy were taken to the South Wapatusset Drive-Thru Clinic where they were treated and released with minor abrasions. Both are resting comfortably at their North Street home.

Bored Selectpeople Proclaim February 27 as Carcass Day: Town Offices to Remain Closed

In an emergency meeting of the Waputasset's Board of Bored Selectpeople, an official proclamation was drafted and approved –proclaiming that from this point on, February 27 will be known as Carcass Day and that town offices will remain closed for the entire day.

This new law will be retroactively enacted for this year, as all town offices will remain closed this Monday, March 8.

When Cabin Fever Breaks Out –Wackiness Ensues: The policeBLOG!

Over the past week and a half, heavy rains and high winds caused minor flooding, fallen tree branches and several calls to police to report strange objects found after storm. There were several reports of delusional behavior as well, which public health officers attribute to residents being housebound during prolonged wet winter weather.

Nuclear Turnip In Driveway

Fri, Feb 26 – Man called to report item that looked like “large, radioactive turnip” in his driveway. Said it was the size of a large lobster buoy but that his son said it resembled an oversized “Corn Pop” (as in the cereal). Police officer arrived to discover a rolled piece of foam insulation in a plastic bag.

Decomposing Whale Brings Joy To Winter Weary Residents

Sat, Feb 27 – Station received calls from 87 different residents reporting sighting of whale carcass on Stony Beach. After a very dull week in town, hundreds of people swarmed around the carcass to take pictures and take part in the excitement. As one witness put it, “This is the most exciting thing to happen here in about 12 years.” Officers kept onlookers at a distance while scientists took tissue samples of the animal. A canteen truck pulled up to serve gatherers instant coffee and stale donuts. Local naturalist Scrim Shaw was no where to be seen, but cereal entrepreneur Snerd Blankstrom, brother of the late Storm Blankstrom, set up an impromptu interpretive display and gave a lively talk on whaling in the 18th century. Later the brass section of the Musty Slippers played a jazzed up version of their classic 70s hit, “Whale Pants,” and Brownie Troop #37 sang the “Believe” theme song from the Shamu Show, along with Gloria Estefan on the boom-box. Several women were setting up competing booths of seaglass-clamshell jewelry and Nantucket baskets, when a raucous group of protestors stormed the beach, chanting something about Sea World, Naomi Campbell and capitalism. The entire gathering was broken up by police officers, while unidentified men in hazmat suits removed the carcass and drove it away in an armored vehicle.

Snerd Blankstrom (file photo)

Possible Platypus Sighting 

Sun, Feb 28 – Caller reported “greyote with webbed feet” crossing flooded causeway. Details noted for Animal Control officer.

Kooky for Cookies

Tues, Mar 2 – Woman called station to report she’d eaten three-quarters of a 15.5 oz. bag of Chips Ahoy cookies and could not stop. Officer counseled woman and recommended buying Pepperidge Farm cookies instead, as they come in an 8 oz. bag. Records indicate same woman made three distress calls this winter and has been repeatedly referred for SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) counseling.

 

 

SpaghettiOs® (with meatballs)

Jimmy Choo Washes Up On Beach

Thurs, Mar 4 – Residents delivered the following items to the “Lost and Found” room of the police station this week, many of which were washed up on lawns from flooding. A “suspicious” red jacket, a lost car battery, a pair of Incredible Hulk Underoos, 17 Rydel wine glasses, a pack of Spiro Agnew rolling papers, 4 pairs of Oakley sunglasses, a white Air Supply sweatshirt, 9 mismatched Marc Jacobs ballet flats, a six-pack of Narragansett beer, 19 sets of Range Rover car keys, an AMC Pacer key chain, a can of SpaghettiOs® (with meatballs), a Jimmy Choo alligator sling-back sandal, a Log ‘n’ Line coffee mug, and 342 youth lacrosse trophies. Leave a message in the 'comments section' below to claim your items.

 

Spiro Agnew (file photo)

Due to the high volume of non-emergency calls to the police, TMG will soon be running an advice column to cover a range of personal concerns. Stay tuned for details.

reported by Special Agent Sally Sisson

Art Smart by Friday Beignets (art critic and cereal entrepreneur)

Musty Slippers Release New Album.

When you finally turn off the Musty Slipper’s new 8-track, ‘Lashed to the Flagpole’, you may find yourself incessantly humming the Slipper’s new rock ballad, ‘Lobster Roll’. “I love lobster rolls, put another mackerel in the clam box baby…” this is the Slipper’s first album since ‘Every Child is Gifted’ and the mysterious disappearance of lead singer, Stash. Track 6 features a rap version of the band’s 1979 hit, ‘Whale Pants’ and is followed by a instrumental kazoo and washboard rendition of The Strandell’s classic, ‘Dirty Water’ – which to some, is a thinly cloaked jab at the Wapatusset Water Department. ‘Lashed’ is currently available only on 8-track although there are plans to release a cassette version of the album for the upcoming Spritzing Rock Arts Festival (SPRAF).

Storm Blankstrom (1983 file photo)

The Wapatusset Art Center (WART) Announces Sport Coat Exhibit

Former toll booth collector and poodle groomer, Snerd Blankstrom has finally come out of the closet and has emerged with extensive sport coat collection of his late brother and TV weatherman, Storm Blankstrom. Those new to the area (‘Carpetbaggers’ and ‘Johnny come-latelies’*), will not be familiar with Storm’s flamboyant wardrobe and wacky meteorological prognostication. In the 1970’s meteorologists were without the advanced and highly accurate instrumentation of today’s weather forecasters – there were times when Storm would predict over a foot of snow –that would eventually turn out to be a slight misting of dew. This was, of course, after all of the schools had been closed and all of the bottled water and toilet paper had been stripped from the shelves of Stop & Chat. Thank your ‘higher being of choice’ for the accuracy of today’s forecasts. The entire collection of sport coats, totaling over 350, will be on display at WART until April 15, weather permitting. Those allergic to mothballs may want to view the exhibit by remaining on the building’s exterior and peering through the windows.

'Tranquility Interrupted' Henry Oh (1995)

Spin Artist Hospitalized

Henry Oh, master of the ‘Spin Art Movement’ (SPAM**) was recently hospitalized following a fall at his West Wapatusset studio. According to his intern, Stella Ella, a freshman fine arts major at Wapatusset Online Community College (WOCC), Mr. Oh fell off a scaffolding and fell onto the large rotating turntable that he had recently constructed. The platform was rotating at 45 RPMs when Henry slipped on a plastic ketchup bottle filled with acrylic burnt sienna. “I was outside the studio smoking a clove cigarette when the accident happened. I would say that Mr. Oh had probably been going around, and around, and around, for approximately 15 minutes before I realized what had happened and flipped the off switch on the diesel-powered converted bulldozer motor.” Mr. Oh was treated for extreme dizziness and is now resting comfortably in his own bedroom. Should you decide to pay Henry a visit, please be aware that the yellow, red and blue paint will eventually wash off, but for now – seeing him in person for an extended period of time, may make you feel a little queazy yourself.

Be Smart, Make Art!

*Townie Handbook, pages 47-52
**Not to be confused with the copyrighted can of jellied meat by-products or unsolicited electronic mail.

Man in Leotard, Bacon, Brooms & Browning: PoliceBLOG

Dazed and Bedazzled
Feb 20, 10:20 p.m. - Distress call from Spritzing Rock Pond. Man injured while figure skating. Hit head on rock after attempting twirl, lesions on chest from impact of rhinestone studs bedazzled onto undergarment. “It’s Under Armour, not a leotard,” he told police. “And it’s figure skating, not ice dancing.” Man explained he was attempting twizzle toe loop into combination salchow camel spin. Name withheld upon request.

Bacon Bit
Feb 22, 2:40 p.m. - Police detail requested for Kevin Bacon look-alike autograph signing. While visiting Waputasset Playhouse to rehearse for upcoming production of “Footloose,” man was swarmed by group of desperate housewives. Local genealogist claiming to be both his love-child and his second cousin was escorted away in handcuffs.

Curling Details to be Ironed Out at Summit
Feb 24, 10:34 a.m. - Skirmish during women’s curling match between two Waputasset neighborhood teams: Clayton Place vs. Bott’s Landing. Team CP claimed Team BL should be disqualified for using a Swiffer rather than a regulation O’Cedar bristle broom. Police intervened. Second skirmish involving team pants (Lilly Pulitzer vs. Norwegian Olympic Curling Team knock-off design) erupted but will be settled at the Chardonnay Center/Recreation Department Summit in early March.

All the Wreaths are Brown (and the skies are gray)
Feb 25 – 3:35 p.m. - 2^nd complaint against home with browning wreath on door. Decoration code violation cited. Bylaws state Christmas greenery may be kept on homes and outbuildings (with the exception of port-a-potties) until Valentine’s Day or browning of greens, whichever comes first. Tasteful white lights may be illuminated until Feb 28; however, the deadline for removing colored lights was Jan 15. Violators will be fined in full.

reported by Agent SS sallysisson.com

Fleas, Fainting & Fried Food: It's the PoliceBLOG!

Circus Breaks Out At Flea Party
Wednesday, 10:30 AM – Officer called to maintain order at Flea Party tax rally outside Town Hall. Supporters of “Crazy Old Guy” (who allegedly pulled papers to run for a vacant seat on either the Bored Selectmen or the School Committee) chanted confusing slogans about taxation, Cuba, school busses and nuclear energy while marching to a fife and drum band. Vehicle and pedestrian traffic blocked but re-routed. 

Town Threatened by Twistee
Wednesday, 11:30 AM – Flea Party member tripped, fell into pothole and twisted ankle. Possible broken bone. Member threatened to sue town for poor road maintenance, then demanded ambulance service. Crazy Old Guy made makeshift cast with dirty handkerchief and his signature red suspenders. Public nurse came to help but was told “get your government hands off my ankle brace!”

Delirious Housewives on Detox Diet
Thursday, 3:00 PM – Woman fainted in Stop & Chat supermarket while sipping mango-kale-mung bean smoothie in "go cup." Officer called to assist. Store manager reported seven similar incidents this week. Women all reported being on new “detox smoothie” diet and were dehydrated from running to multiple specialty food markets on quest to find obscure ingredients in between “evacuations.” Driving high-speed from Whole Paycheck to the Hingham Loot Market to Stop & Chat to find organic agave and dandelion roots left the women weak and light headed. The Wapatusset health officer reminds women they should NOT drink their usual intake of Chardonnay while participating in this radical diet. Nor should they smoke the hemp and flax seed ingredients meant for smoothies. Investigators are questioning local yoga center for cult-like indoctrination techniques.

Fasting Lurkers With Fast Food Fetish
Thursday, 4:30 PM – Dentist office called to report suspicious activity in alley behind yoga studio. Mysterious individual “wearing hoodie and yoga pants” lurking in bushes, possible burglary plot. Officer arrived to find woman eating meatball sub in bushes. Woman’s friend located hiding in water boiler room of dentist office basement with bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

reported by Agent SS http://sallysisson.com

Horoscopes by Town Medium, Largie Smalls

Waputasset Horoscopes Feb. 10, 2010

“Where The Best Fortunes... Are Free”
by Your Town Medium, Largie Smalls
 

Aquarius The Water Carrier (January 20 to February 18)—Though your creative fires burn, you will be crushingly boring at any party you attend this month. Best to stay home and nurture that budding agoraphobia till the new moon.

Pisces The Fish (February 19 to March 20)—Pisces, Pisces, Pisces, when will you get out of that rut? Time to start a new venture, this time avoiding involving multi-level marketing or typing at home. Try breaking out and wearing something “not gray” this week.Lexus The Luxuriant (President’s Day Weekend)—this is not usually the time to show off. But buy as many new clothes as you like, because there's a “big event” just a few weeks away. Order vegetable tempura twice. Also, Pat is probably cheating on you again; call Jerry The Hammer.

Aries The Ram (March 21 to April 19)—It looks like that big promotion is just not going to happen for you, following the incident with the marmalade, the copier, the unattended UPS truck, and that saucy minx from accounting. But persevere because a cure for your mystery itch is just around the corner.

Taurus The Bull (April 20 to May 20)—You’re beginning to smell funny and the neighbors are definitely plotting against you. This is normal for February, but spring will bring new surprises, possibly including handcuffs.

Gemini The Twins (May 21 to June 21)—You never return my calls. You are both morons. Eat doo-doo and die.

Cancer The Crab (June 21 to July 22)—I always mix you up with Libra, not sure why. LOL! Soooooooooo, um, things will all work out if you just believe and keep your nose to the grindstone, one stitch at a time. Count backwards by 7s, starting at um…the letter R.

Leo The Lion (July 23 to August 22)—This is the month to send out that screenplay about the two weavers who find the magic thimble and learn the secrets of root vegetables. Repeat your order in the doughnut shop very loudly.

Iglesias The Crooner (1987)—The alignment of stars indicates you need to stop referring to yourself in third person. Cultivate new friends soon, because Aquarius is looking to kick some ass if he gets outside, possibly yours.

Virgo The Virgin (August 23 to September 22) —Venus is in vitro, closely followed by Jupiter, who lost his truck “somewhere in Hingham.” It bodes not well for virgos not using condoms.

Libra The Scales (September 23 to October 22)—At last, at last, you can open that can of tuna you were saving for that “special day.” Your pets will treat you like royalty all this week. Smile often, but don’t look behind you.

Scorpio The Scorpion (duh!) (October 23 to November 21)— This is an excellent time to confess your long-held secrets, just not on YouTube. As Mercury ascends, you’ll find that quarter you lost behind the couch last year.

Sagittarius The Archer (November 22 to December 21)— A good week to wipe more than usual.

Capricorn The Mountain Goat (December 22 to January 19)—A time of reflection for you on what you did last weekend in that costume, and I advise you to seek help. This sort of thing is not normal. Really. I mean it.

– Largie Smalls with editorial assistance from Beau Dohnie

“Crazy Old Guy” Running for Town Office

News reverberating out of Waputasset Town Hall indicates that the town’s “Crazy Old Guy” has “pulled papers” – a clerical warning shot, stating that he intends to run for either: one of the two, empty Bored Selectmen seats or for a position on the town’s School Committee.

The “Crazy Old Guy’s” campaign platform has been built on the following planks:

• “Keep Waputasset as it is. The town has been good to me for 86 years and there is no need to change it.”

• “Lets not let the ‘Johnny-come-latelies’ and the ‘carpet-baggers’ turn our town into a fancy-pants community with high-falutin' ideas.”

• “Eight solid years of education will take you far enough in life. If you want more, you pay for it – and not on my dime.”

• “If the spoiled-rotten kids are too lazy to walk to school, let them pay for their bus transportation. When I was a boy, we walked everywhere – and I am a better man for it!”

• “Sports! Who needs ‘em – don’t you have cows to milk, water to carry, and ditches to dig in the backyard?

With Spring elections right around the corner, according to town officials, “Crazy Old Guy” is currently running, unopposed. More details, as they develop.