Tiny Mind Gazette

“Crazy Old Guy” Running for Town Office

News reverberating out of Waputasset Town Hall indicates that the town’s “Crazy Old Guy” has “pulled papers” – a clerical warning shot, stating that he intends to run for either: one the two, empty Bored Selectmen seats or for a position on the town’s School Committee.

The “Crazy Old Guy’s” campaign platform has been built on the following planks:

• “Keep Waputasset as it is. The town has been good to me for 86 years and there is no need to change it.”

• “Lets not let the ‘Johnny-come-latelies’ and the ‘carpet-baggers’ turn our town into a fancy-pants community with high-falutin' ideas.”

• “Eight solid years of education will take you far enough in life. If you want more, you pay for it – and not on my dime.”

• “If the spoiled-rotten kids are too lazy to walk to school, let them pay for their bus transportation. When I was a boy, we walked everywhere – and I am a better man for it!”

• “Sports! Who needs ‘em – don’t you have cows to milk, water to carry, and ditches to dig in the backyard?

With Spring elections right around the corner, according to town officials, “Crazy Old Guy” is currently running, unopposed. More details, as they develop.

“Love is strange—wait ‘til you see my feet.”

I can’t take credit for this headline; it’s from my favorite source of personal ads—the London Review of Books. My husband subscribes for the book reviews, but I go straight to the personals in the back. Truth be told, he does too. Don’t read too much into this; it’s just that they’re a good laugh.

He actually bought me a book of them for Christmas. They Call Me Naughty Lola is a collection of personal ads from the London Review of Books. A bit on the inside flap refers to them as “surreal haikus of the heart.” Some are absurd or self-deprecating, others a bit pervy.

The titles are an art form on their own:

Last time I had this much fun, I was on forty tablets a day.

My favourite Ben & Jerry’s is Acid-Boiled Bones of Divorce Lawyer.

Here are some sample ads:

They call me naughty Lola. Run-of-the-mill bearded physicist (M, 46).

Romance is dead. So is my mother, Man, 42, inherited wealth. Box no. 7642.

In a certain light I look like Robert Mitchum. In a certain light you look like Kim Novak. More usually I look like Shrek. More usually you still look like Kim Novak. Yes, you’re very unlucky. Now pass me the Doritos and get over it. Box no. 3917.

Hi, I’m an intelligent, attractive, cultured, recently divorced woman in her early forties looking for a man whose maxim in life isn’t ‘pull my finger’ or ‘smelt it, dealt it.’ Box no. 5022.

Mature gentleman (62), aged well, noble grey looks, fit and active, sound mind and unfazed by the fickle demands of modern society seeks…damn it, I have to pee again. Box no. 4131.

I’m a Pisces—which makes you and me a bad match, but how about your good-looking friend? Non-commital, easily-distracted, fly-by-night F (35). Sorry, I think I just heard my phone ring. Box no. 2541.

I am the hunter and you are my quarry. 117-year-old male Viagra bootlegger finally in the mood for a bit of young totty. Which realistically could be any one of you with working hip joints and a minimum 20% lung capacity. Box no. 3112.

TMG Personal Ads Contest!
Valentine’s Day is less than two weeks away. Depending on your age, status and state of mind, this either fills you with the warm-and-fuzzies or utter dread. Kind of like New Year’s Eve. But following the TMG ethos, let’s make it fun. And ridiculous.

Announcing the first annual TMG Personal Ads Contest. Submit a personal ad—or two or three—from yourself, your alter ego, or a fictitious friend. We’ll have winners for categories like Most Pathetic, Most Appealing, Best Catch, Biggest Trainwreck… I don’t know, we’ll make it up as we go along.

Just write something and submit it in the Comments section below.
It’s easy!

For those of you who stumble over your words, here’s a nifty online tool to help. My Profile Writer can generate a clever headline and guide you through the writing process. Think Mad Libs for personal ads. Get to it! (Just keep it PG-13. This is TinyTown, after all.)

My Profile Writer
http://www.myprofilewriter.com/form_me.php

p.s. We'll be sharing personal ads throughout February on our Facebook fan page. If you haven't signed up yet, now's the time!

by Sally Sisson (Sally can be reached at: sallysisson.com)

Save your 'Big Bag O’ Phonebooks'

A couple of weeks ago, 7 lb. plastic bags filled with phonebooks were scattered in driveways and by mailboxes, throughout Waputasset (a community of V-Mobile® Communications, Inc.). These are the same bags, when left in the driveway or by the mailbox in the rain and slush – absorb enough moisture to triple, or sometimes quadruple, their weight.

For those of you who have discovered GOOGLE – and no longer require 7-28 pounds of telephone books, please DO NOT recycle or discard.

This coming Spring, the AAAAAAcme Driving School (1-800-NO-CRASH), will be co-sponsoring the V-Mobile 100. This one-hundred mile auto race, will take place immediately following morning worship services, the Sunday of Memorial Day weekend, on the makeshift track to be build around the Waputasset (a community of V-Mobile® Communications, Inc.) Town Common.

Due to the extremely narrow street width and tight turning radii, the field will be limited to 30, 7+-passenger, SUV, and cross-over vehicles. All qualified drivers must have a minimum of 5 years of experience, behind the wheel of such vehicle – as it is mandatory that drivers remain engaged in a hand-held (V-Mobile®) cell phone conversation during the entire race.

Drivers will also be encouraged to rest small dogs on their laps and lead negotiation sessions with 2-3 small children sitting unbuckled, in the rear seats –  while careening around the town’s most prestigious landmark – at speeds upwards of 85 mph.

To provide safety barriers and clear track definition, the discarded telephone books will be converted in to 8-10’ walled barriers, encompassing both the interior and exterior of the track.

For your convenience, AAAAAAcme Driving School has placed a large dumpster outside of their Plain Street, Vehicle Dispatch & Collision Center. Collection will begin immediately and continue through May 15.

Mens Club News: Zambonis, Gunfire, Chili & Taxidermy

The Waputasset (a community of V-Mobile® Communications, Inc.) Mens Club, met Thursday night at their lodge, located in a semi-secret structure on Cliff Street.

Following the Pledge of Allegiance, and the singing the of ‘The Ballad of the Green Beret,’ – Sergeant at Arms, Melvin Cheevers, kicked off the meeting with a lecture and demonstration concerning the conversion of a standard push-type lawnmower into a personal Zamboni (iZamboni, as Mr. Cheevers refers to them) for use on backyard ice skating rinks – which have been springing up, all over town.

After a 90-minute, extremely detailed discussion (and PowerPoint presentation) – concerning lawnmower engine valve compression & displacement, ice-resurfacing principals, and a complete overview of the Zamboni product line (from the early 1940s onward) – the meeting adjourned to the parking lot for a live demonstration of Mr. Cheevers’ iZamboni, built from his former, 21”, Grass Enforcer® Walk Behind (with the 2.3.5 hp Briggs & Stratton engine option).

For some unknown reason, upon ignition, the iZamboni backfired several times with sharp, crisp, reverberations – that sent neighbors running to their nearest telephones and specifically, to the ‘9’ and ‘1’ buttons, incorporated within their V-Mobile® Telephone touch-pads.

Within minutes, the town’s entire squadron of (4) patrol cars arrived at the scene. Following a quick investigation and several eyewitness interviews, an earlier fear of youth gang activity was quickly dismissed. The half-dozen police officers, reluctantly re-holstered their weapons and quickly examined Mr. Cheevers – whose entire body, with the exception of his eyes, (which had been fortunately covered by his round welding goggles/safety glasses) – was covered with a black soot-like substances which had exited the iZamboni’s exhaust system – almost simultaneously with the rifle-like, backfire blasts.

A more comprehensive crime scene investigation, was then unfortunately interrupted by another incoming call – this from the Community Garden Club, meeting in the auxiliary conference room located in the creepy basement of the (occasionally haunted), Town Hall.

It seems as though, 85 year-old, Mrs. Mildred Stermstat, (a Golden-Jubilee member of the Garden Club) had been entrapped by a wandering vine that had entwined itself around both of her ankles – as she dozed during a presentation of “Geraniums: Beauty is Only Stem Deep.” While still engaged in a full-fledged nap, Mrs. Stermstat was released from the rapidly tangling vine by officer, Wendell Wilkes, a member of the Waputasset (a community of V-Mobile Communications, Inc.) auxiliary police force and former professional landscaper who happened to have a set of professional gasoline-powered hedge-trimmers in his nearby panel van.

Returning to the Mens Club’s Lodge:
Mr. Cheever’s ill-fated demonstration was followed by the group’s indulgence of large bowls of chili (with extra ‘con carne’ and beans), served with side dishes of hot peppers and beef jerky. Post-dinner activities included a speech by pro bowler, Earl Anthony-look-alike, Bob Lindowski who presented a multimedia (PowerPoint) presentation entitled, “Xtreme Big Ball Bowling: the Sport of Kingpins.”

Prior to the meeting’s adjournment, the February agenda was announced – including a 6-class, hands-on, taxidermy clinic. Although most of the necessary materials will be provided in the $35 course fee – members are encouraged to gather their own fresh roadkill – as the ‘main ingredient’ to a successful taxidermy project.

The Red Ly’n Inn has kindly offered to house the cadavers in their walk-in freezer, during the 4-week course.This was discussed and confirmed at the Red Ly’n, during a round (or two) of oat sodas, enjoyed by a majority of the club members – following Thursday’s meeting.

report by Bob Frapples, secretary

SAD Commentary, Cable Rant, Pet Parlor Pinched: It's the Police BLOG!

Heat-Seeking Mom Re-Routed
Monday, 3:30 PM – Middle-aged woman spotted hitch hiking on Rte. 3A with a cardboard sign saying “Key West or Bust.” Escorted to station, given referral for Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) counseling. Husband and children later picked her up but refused to identify themselves.

Too Wired Over New Wiring
Tuesday, 9:30 AM – Resident irate at “evil” cable and Internet provider “went berserk,” according to witnesses, and stayed up all night designing a 12-foot-high plywood cutout of a cartoon devil, wearing cape with cable company logo. The 48-year-old man (wearing Halloween devil costume) secured figure atop chimney on rooftop of home office, along with a makeshift billboard displaying blasphemous message about said company (due to pending lawsuit we can not print message). After a CROCK-25 News truck appeared on scene, police forced man to climb on roof to remove. (Note: Same man was previously investigated for: alien swing-set abduction, crop circle and UFO sightings, reports of suspicious bird droppings, marsh fire caused by makeshift deep-fat turkey fryer apparatus, and two greyote-related complaints.)

Mini-Sasquatch Watch
Wednesday, 10:30 PM –  Animal complaint. Elderly resident claims animal with “greyote head and groundhog body” has been eating all his birdseed. Requested extra patrols.

Health Code (and Bad Taste) Citation Issued
Wednesday, 3:30 AM – New Age “cat massage” parlor in village suspended services after inspection from health and zoning boards. Glenn Denver, former proprietor of Sweat Lodge Massage LLC, has outdated license from Arizona and has been performing ear candling and foot detox without proper equipment. He will still be allowed to give palm readings and cat massage and to sell his merchandise, including handmade hemp undergarments and macramé “man bags.”

Near Brush with SAD Disaster
Thursday, 7:30 PM – Woman threw hairbrush at television, saying it was “taunting her” with ads for Turks and Caicos vacation packages. Child called 9-1-1 to report television was smoking.

NOTE: In response to several similar incidents in recent weeks, the Waputasset rec center will be offering a seminar on “stay-cation” ideas along with “recession-proof” coupons for spray tans and tips on how to have “fun at home” with kids during February vacation. Stay tuned. 

reported by Agent SS

Waputasset (formerly TinyTown) Annexed by Telecommunications Services Provider, V-Mobile.

Waputasset’s bored selectman were reportedly engaged in a 12-hour, “Call of Duty,” video game marathon, against bitter rivals, the Speedwell Guild* – when upstart telecommunications services provider, V-Mobile swept in and stole the “keys” to town hall.

Apparently, the V-Mobile Group Inc., frustrated over local cell tower regulations and the resulting spotty cell phone coverage, made a decision late last week to annex the Town of Waputasset, by toppling the local government.

“It was the steeples that they wanted,” insists TMG IT department head, Brant Grant (left). “The spires of the two town common churches offer perfect locations for well-concealed, as well as, aesthetically appealing cellular antennas.”

Additionally, under their current military rule, V-Mobile has forced the two other competing telecommunications service providers, to pack up there super-slick marketing tents and leave town.

 “We are very much relieved,” stated town citizen, Sohier Wentworth. “Having to choose between the new challenger, Verizon FiOS, and the once, only-game-in-town, Comcast was way too difficult and stressful. Thankfully, the choice has been made for us – we will all be signed up with the new V-Mobile, Luvix product.”**

More updates will be posted as additional information becomes available.

*Not to be confused with the Creepy Pilgrim dudes who live in the woods.
**Not to be confused with the anti-depressant medication with a similar name.

Rumors & Rumblings from Town Hall.

Your Town Name Here.
There is now a move afoot, to change TinyTown’s name. The Bored Selectman are currently split on the decision. Half, prefer something new, fresh and marketable. Names of this sort, (currently on the town hall white board) include: Celexia, Luvoxia, and Lustralia (not to be confused with the anti-depressant medications – of slightly similar names). 

The remaining bored half, prefer a return to the town’s past – back to the name created by the indigenous people who found the seaside hamlet. 

That town’s name was originally, Waputasset, loosely translated Alqonquin for – “White Goat on the Rocks.” Some historians suspect that the name refers to a lightly covered goat (or albino sheep) that had wandered on to the rocky outcroppings near what is now known as, Rocky Outcropping. Other historians have traced the name’s origin to the cocktail predecessor of “The White Russian” – but made with goat’s milk and fire water.

This settlement moniker was created long before, Captain John Smith and his band of Wacky Smithkateers, established the first European settlement (and 24/7 convenience store*) in 1614.

Why the Big Hole on The Common?
We have received many calls from town citizens concerning the relatively large hole that is being dug in the middle of the town common. Despite rumors that the town leaders are erecting another Invisibines® wind turbine (bringing the commons total to nine), acting assistant police chief and lead CSI investigator, Liam O’Liam, insists that the hole (measuring 6 feet in diameter and ten feet deep) is being constructed for the town’s Groundhog Day Celebration & Fun-Raiser.

As you may recall, last year’s celebration was halted due to a live groundhog being forced out of a papier-mâché den by a small explosive charge that propelled the startled rodent over the anxious crowd and directly into Spritzing Rock Pond – where it finally saw its shadow – and Lord knows – it wasn’t pretty!

This year, the part of the groundhog will be played by Kevin Bacon look-alike and community theater heart-throb, Wolfe Chittister. In place of TNT, Wolfe will be forced out of the hole by a mild electrical shock, that will be administered through the custom designed collar that will be worn around his neck. Many thanks to the good folks at InvisiFence® for their help in providing both the collar and Wolfe’s groundhog suit – which is constructed out of man-made, fur-like materials.

Pet Licenses
In addition to dog licenses, all pets will require proper licensing. This includes and is not limited to: cats, birds, fish, reptiles, amphibians and all domesticated livestock. Cougars are exempt from licensing, but are encouraged to “move along” and to avoid loitering around the town common – especially while Wolfe Chittister is practicing his Groundhog Day routine.

That’s all of the news from Waputasset Town Hall.
*the first scratch ticket was created for the first settlement lottery of 1612.

Letters to The Editor

Dear Editor:
As the retired Grand Imperial Marshal of the Speedwell Guild, I was extremely offended by the association that was drawn by your publication, between our organization and the “Creepy Pilgrim Dudes” – living in the woods.

Sure, we also don articles of clothing that reference our 17th century ancestors. Sure, we hold semi-annual weekend retreats and simulated greyote hunts (with muskets that we build from kits), in the forests surrounding TinyTown. Sure we speak only in the tongues of our forefathers and refuse to address events that happened post–1650. All of these, are facts of truth. However this does not constitute us, as being referred to as– creepy.

A full apology is much deserved & expected.
Bradford Stylish IV

R.B.:
Please accept my most sincere apologies. Now that I have a better understanding of your organization, I can see the contrasts between your group, and other such organizations – who at first blush, may appear to have an abundance of overlapping similarities and irregularities.  From this point forward, any reference to the Speedwell Guild, will not include the word “creepy”. “Freaky,” perhaps, but definitely not creepy.

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Dear Editor:

I was born and raised in TinyTown until my mid-20s, when I left to join the French Foreign Legion. Recently, I  returned to town and purchased The Vegan Hut, Natural Food Emporium and Craft Center. As an avid reader of your publication, I have noticed the name, Scrim Shaw, appearing on a fairly regular basis. Could this gentleman, be any relation to Morton Shaw, a classmate of mine from the Bosworth Elementary School? I was under the impression that he had moved to Canada in the late 1960s.

Thank you for your help.
F. Raymond Bob Roberts

F:
Perhaps you were out herding wild leeks when we ran a “Tiny Mind Profile” about Mr. Shaw, director of the Greyote Rescue & Outreach League (GROL) (currently on sabbatical– due to the current greyote hibernation period). Follow this link, which will take you to our archives.

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Dear Editor:
My daughter, Tiffany Lahmp, reigning Queen of the Fall Festival of Leaves, has accepted a senior executive position in the Real Estate Promotion & Promotion Management Office of the Independence Hall Mini-Mall, located in the TOD. Just to clarify, current retail and commercial businesses are being asked to leave bustling TinyTown Center to make room for: The Center for International Studies, TinyTown Online Community College (TTOCC), American Center for Chardonnay Studies, and the Northeast Regional Headquarters for Invisibines® USA.

As a former pageant queen and journalist at the competing, “The Tiny Town Wanderer,” I was wondering if the new downtown district might be “coined”– the Nerd District? This, of course, is all part of a re-branding exercise that I am working on with my daughter.

With this direction, her domain, the Independence Hall Mini-Mall, located in the TOD, would be marketed to “cool” people. Under this plan, we will be encouraging the Lululemon Superstore & Pilates Rehabilitation Center to rethink their mid-town move and to join us “cool” people.

Flora Lahmp, 
Independent Marketing Consultant

Flora:
It is obvious that high school is still a very important part of your life.
Best of luck to you and Tiffany.

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Dear Editor:
With recent advances by Nuisance™ and Bark Recognition Technology® (BRT), isn’t it now possible to host an advice column for dogs, by a dog?

Wolfe Chittister

Wolfe:
Yes, please check out the premier of “Paging Dr. Barkle,” that went LIVE a week or so ago. Dr. Barkle is a real dog but not a medical doctor. He does, however, have a PhD. from an obscure midwestern canine & equine college.

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That’s all for now! Keep those cards and letters coming!
The Editorial Department, The Tiny Mind Gazette

A Seasonally Distressed Police BLOG

Flagrant Flamingo Violation

Sun, Jan 17, 2:48 pm – South Plain Street
Violation of Holiday Decoration by-law. Caller reported “flock of hot-pink flamingos” in neighbor's front lawn, interspersed with existing Christmas decorations. Design Review Board, noting the pink clashed with the traditional red Christmas balls, issued citation and asked them to be removed. Homeowner complied, explaining he’d been suffering from the recent Patriots’ loss as well as Seasonal-Affective Disorder.

Townie Bar Unseats Townie Wanna-Be

Sun, Jan 17, 8:32 pm – Plain Street
Argument at Ye Olde Towne Pub. Newcomer seated at designated Townie bar stool, drinking “designer beer.” Townie asked him to leave stool. Newcomer defended seating right, saying he’d lived in TinyTown for 12 years. Townie Bartender suggested booth instead. Newcomer "got defensive" and asked to see "written rules" about how to achieve "Townie status." Townie Policeman sided with Townie (his second-cousin) and suggested newcomer try the Gilded Lighthouse Lounge at the harbor instead.

Harried Housewife Held Hostage

Wed, Jan 20, 6:45 pm – Titanic Ave
Woman called from cell phone to report children had “taken her hostage” and locked her in closet. Special child-friendly SWAT unit dispatched. Spent 15 minutes dismantling alarm unit and then searched 7 walk-in closets before finding hostage in guest-room accessories closet. Distraught woman said husband had been on extended business trip, three of her children had strep throat, puppy was “out of control,” and none of them had left house for four days. Said she’d been “living on Annie’s Macaroni & Cheese and Chardonnay” and needed to “get out of this freakin’ tiny town.” Woman advised to "get a grip." All referred to family counseling.

reported by AgentSS sallysisson.com

 

TinyTown "Diversity" Parade

In honor of MLK Day, the community of TinyTown held a colorful Diversity Parade around Spritzing Rock Pond on Monday afternoon. A search committee was formed a year ago to search for “diverse” people from neighboring towns to be transported in for the occasion.

White children from TinyTown borrowed ethnic masks and costumes from the local Diversity Museum and performed folk dances on a float while the local Daughters of the American Revolution kazoo band played “It’s a Small World” – over and over again.

Other popular floats included:

The “Affordable Senior Housing” float, made of Werther’s Original candies. Since there is no affordable senior housing in Tiny Town, seniors were bussed in from every other town in a 20-mile radius.

 The “Financial Diversity” float, assembled from cigars, single-malt scotch bottles and Monopoly money. A collection of hedge fund managers, portfolio managers, venture capitalists, stock brokers, advisors, analysts and traders waved to onlookers and threw out free golf balls.

 The “Rainbow Redemption” float, honoring homosexuals who have been “converted” into heterosexuals. (Note that this was a compromise reached after months of negotiations among committee members.) Featuring a larger-than-life figurine of Ned Flanders, the float was wrapped in a rainbow flag with a bedazzled pot of faux gold at the end.

The search committee is looking for new members for next year's Diversity Parade. If you have ideas or would like to volunteer, please leave a message in the comments section below.